Last week I happened upon this two year old photo. If there’s one thing that’s been a constant in our home, it’s the way our eldest always has his little sister’s best interest at heart.
He cares for her. He dotes on her, and he helps model how other boys should treat her. Yet as he gets older, and his schedule gets busier, I fear that his priorities might change, and his desire to care for her in the same way might wane.
So imagine how my momma heart melted when I walked into the family room this week, and saw the two of them taking a twirl on our “dance floor.”
Do you see them? Eight and eighteen years old, magic happens when siblings engage and invest in each others lives.
The impact of the older siblings on the younger ones affect their self esteem, their social behaviors, their friendships and relationships.
Moms, take heart. (I speak to myself on this one.)
This is hard work. It doesn’t just happen.
It’s worth the investment of time it takes to develop and engage the hearts of your children, and point it towards their siblings.
In the midst of loud arguments, in the midst of the rash decisions, we continually remind our children that friendships come and go, but their siblings will always be there for them.
That mentality has to start at home. It has to be nurtured and given wings, and often it means making tough decision which then gives the time necessary to allow that to happen.
Fight for that family time. Fight for that Meal Time. Fight for Unity.
In the midst of “brotherly love” and those physical signs of “affection”, we fight for those relationships. We remind them it’s not about competition or comparison, but about TEAM.
In the midst of hurt feelings or miscommunication, we continue to teach our child to apologize, and fight for reconciliation.
In the midst of yelling at each other, which ironically happened in the middle of writing this post, we fight for peace and open communication.
And in those moments that are leading towards a mommy meltdown, we take heart, because during that extremely hard day, one just might walk into the midst of Cinderella’s Ball and know that every moment is worth it. 🙂
Invest the time. Be purposeful in their interaction. We won’t regret it.
Continue reading, Raising a Band of Brothers, which focuses on siblings as well.
Love this. As an adult child of parents that fought for their children to have a close relationship I can say it is so worth it. Keep it up Mom!
Jen..I love this post..it is so true..as a woman that came from a family where this was NOT DONE..I know the pain of sibling rivalry…we are in our 50’s now and my sister does not even speak to me….it has to start with parents that see the value of working to keep siblings on each others team…my 2 children get along but it was not automatic…you are right, it is worth the fight. I commend you on doing this in your home..
Mona
What a great uplifting post! Thank you. As a foster parent to two seven year old boys, I struggle with the bickering and arguing on a daily basis. I just hope that I am able to teach them as well as you have taught your children. 🙂
We are still truly in process. With five children, the 12 and 14 year old inspired this post. 🙂
My two children are 12 (girl) and 15 (boy). They bicker, argue, fight non-stop it seems and never have a kind word about the other let alone perform a kind gesture for the other. I don’t know why this is. We have lots of family time together – always eat dinner as a family, go to church together, watch tv together, have family outings and vacations. They see my husband and I be affectionate with each other. I preach to them all the time the importance of family, that friends may come and go but family will always be there – and they just don’t get it. I know deep down they love each other, but they surely don’t show it. It drives me crazy. I especially expect/hope for more out of my son, since he is the ‘big brother’. I do not have a big brother (am the oldest) and always thought he would be there for her.
My only hope is that their relationship will mature when they are older. My siblings and I bickered/fought a lot when we were growing up – but now we are very close.
My 12 year old girl and 14 year old son are my two primary instigators as well, and my sentiments to them mirror yours. We just need to keep encouraging that relationship and fostering those times when they are getting along and pointing those out. I think that age gap right then is the trickiest. We’ll get through it and in another two – 3 years, realize it finally passed because I know it’s so worth it. 🙂
I come from a family of 5 kids who are now between the ages of 19 and 30 (opposite of yours, two girls then three boys). I am grateful for all the time we spent together when we were younger (homeschooling) and we still get along. We all love when we can spend time together in any combo of brothers and sisters. Now there are two sister-in-laws to add to the mix! The hard part is we are all starting to spread out to different states, and I only have one week of spring break from teaching to try to visit them all. 🙂
Thats so sweet.. My younger brother, older sister & I fought like cats & dogs. We were horrible As we grew up, most of the rivalry fell away from us & we were able to form deep friendships. My sister became my best friend even though she lived thousands of miles away from me all of our adult life, it was the best!
My mom used to tell us we should be nice to each other cuz we were gonna be friends & need each other when we grew up.. we’d roll our eyes & give a “hmph” or two, but it did indeed happen just the way mom said it would and just the way I told my 2 girls the same thing.
Im so thankful for my sister’s friendship after we grew up. She passed away 2 years ago from breast cancer at 52 years old, and I can thankfully say my sister & I were great friends and I have been so blessed by having her in my life.. and had no regrets where she was concerned. I thank God for having my sister and for the bond we formed! ♥
Jenn, I needed this exact post today. My husband and I made a rash decision over the weekend – no more phone calls, emails, visits, sleepovers of any kind for our kids until they can respect and be kind to EACH OTHER. This means that my daughter has to tell her best friend that she can’t play this afternoon and that my son is missing his buddy’s birthday party Saturday. I feel horrible and mean, but their arguments have escalated from just picking on each other to being downright rude and careless toward each other. I needed to read your post today, to remind myself that it’s okay to want them to be friends and to put effort into their relationship.
Kristy – you will not be sorry for that decision. It will be hard and yes, you will join me in the rank as a “Mean Mom,” and question if you are doing the right thing, but in the end, they will look back and appreciate all that you did to get their eyes off themselves and on to others, namely, their siblings.
omg… this totally brought tears to my eyes. If I weren’t at work it might have been a total meltdown. What a gorgeous and priceless set of pictures!!! My daughter’s are 3 years apart and moments like this are few and far between – but you’ve given me hope. I think I will do something for Valentine’s Day to encourage some good bonding feelings between them. Thanks for the inspiration!!!
Such a good reminder. My kids are little & love being together now, but having them care for & be there for each other as they grow is one of my goals as a parent. I see siblings that weren’t particularly close growing up drifting even further apart or having to work at forming a relationship as adults, and that’s not what I want for my kids.
Thank you for this reminder! I have 4 kids that are only 5 years apart. 3 of them are boys so the competition is often fierce. I’m constantly telling them we’re a TEAM and we work together. Some days I wonder if my 2 oldest boys (only 20 months apart) will ever be close.
Right now our three sons are 18, 16, nearly 15 and honestly, they are best friends. They still share a room (by force lol), but they do everything together, especially the oldest two who are 19 months apart. It’s my 14 year old son and 12 year old daughter who are still struggling to get along, but the three guys are close and it’s very special. You’ll get there, and hopefully, you won’t have to wait til your eldest is 18. 😉
Jen I love this. I was just thinking about this yesterday. I have 6 children, 4 boys (17,15,14 & 10) and 2 girls (12 & 2.5) My older four have gotten pretty close over the years, esp. now that they do “youth group” things together. So yesterday when my youngest son asked my oldest son to play a game with him, I was ready to hear the disappointment. Instead, my oldest son said “I’m working on my gov’t for class tomorrow. But come back in an hour and I’ll be needing a break.” I was so blown away by his sweetness, not just what he said but how he said it. I’ve decided to begin writing one child a note each week expressing my graditude for him. I think it will be good for the children and for me.
I love this, it’s inspirational to me, as a mommy of three young ones, 5, 2, and 9 months. I pray that they’ll be close and loving to each other always!
Mean moms unite!
Really, I have girls, very alike in abilities and temperament, age 15 & 13. When they were little, they even shared a bed, and loved it. Now I really am having to acknowledge that the older one needs to assert a little independence from her little (hero-worshipping) sister. So her father and I will tolerate a little of her holding her sister at arm’s-length. What we absolutely won’t tolerate is outright meanness.
What we’re finding is that sometimes a teen just needs help learning the skills to express frustration/anger/need for space in a way that communicates the sentiment without being hurtful. When our older daughter (the more common offender in the hurtful category) is done saying something thoughtless, she usually regrets it immediately. She just needs the skills to
a) know how to admit it came out wrong and apologize
b) know how to express herself in a way that takes the sting out of what she’s saying and
c) (equally or even more important) know when to hold her tongue. These skills will serve her well later in the workplace and especially in marriage.
Now, if we can just survive driver’s training we’ll be in business….
Such wonderful wisdom! It is a huge commitment of time and emotional effort – but well worth every ounce of sacrifice. Seeing our children reaching out for one another is a blessing that reaches deep into our souls as mothers. Great encouragement!
Thanks for the encouragement Jen! I love you blog and need this reminder! (almost daily I reckon!!! lol). We have 5 kids too, aged 8, 6, 5, 3, and 7 months and life is full on! It is especially hard on my 5 year old, she tends to feel like the world is against her… Her too big sisters pair off and her younger brother has moments of well… being a boy! lol…
I have just read an awesome book called “The birth order” by Kevin Leman, that has helped me get a few ideas on how to help Esther feel more like a valued part of the family! I recommend it, as an added resource, to help understand some of the dynamics that maybe going on
Thanks again!
I have 2 boys, ages 6 and 3. I’m so happy I found your blog today. This post was just what I needed 🙂 We are constantly reminding them that they will always be brothers, to be just a little nicer to each other. Lately, that doesn’t seem to matter. I need to be reminded that boys will be boys and the good days will come:)
So encouraging and sweet. We are currently seriously struggling with our 17 year old and how he treats his younger siblings. Our daughter is our youngest and also 8. She is also the only girl with three older brothers. Thanks for encouraging us to keep pushing forward. The good does out weigh the bad times! 🙂