As a mother of four teenagers, with a nine year old trailing right behind, you wouldn’t believe the number of times I get asked my opinion about when children should get cell phones.
I’ve quickly realized that question needs to go in the hot button territory right next to money, politics, nursing vs. bottle and home school vs public school choice because there is no easy answer to this question.
Quite frankly, the majority of you will not hear your children complain, “I’m the last high schooler alive who does not have a cell phone,” yet that is exactly where we land in the decision making process. We don’t consider a cell phone plan until they drive, and then we pay for a basic plan IF they have earned the privilege. Any plan beyond that, and it’s out of their own pocket.
I know that is shocking for many, and remember, this is just where our family lands. Every one has completely different situations, but when our third grader mentions that “all her friends” are getting cell phones, honestly, I just can’t fathom the reason for that.
This is a critical decision making process and I ask you to really ponder. Look at what’s best for your family. Ask if there’s a true need for it, and don’t base your outcome on those around you or the guilt trip from your kids. (Read the 7 Highly Effective Ways to Raise Lazy and Entitled Children)
It’s too important of a decision.
When implementing any decision in the parenting process, not only do I determine a list of pros/cons, but I also look at each individual child’s personality and attitude. Personally, I do not parent with an “all things are treated equally and all decisions are exactly the same for each child” mentality.
One may think that is not “fair,” and yes, our children have heard the “life is not fair” speech more than they’d like to, but privileges are earned, and a cell phone is a privilege, not a need (with a few limited exceptions, of course).
Somehow society now leans towards the expectation that cell phones or any wifi based devise are a “right,” and that we are all entitled to this technology, but I couldn’t disagree more.
Right now, we have two younger teenagers that struggle in limiting their designated online time.
My cell phone decision stems from the fact. If we are doing battle over a shared family computer now, one which I have to log in for them, then that temptation will only intensify if they have their own cell phone.
This decision may change if they learn to steward well the time they have now, and that means that there is no magic number for when either of them will get one.
Personally, I’ve only had a cell phone for under four years, and up until a few months ago, I only had a prepaid cell phone. It met my need of convenience and safety, which are the two huge bullet points in the Pro cell phone column for our children.
Now, please note, since we home school (and our older ones only take a few classes in public school), postponing a cell phone is a much easier option for us. If we were in a school environment all week most likely we would purchase a shared, very limited prepaid “emergency plan” for after school activities because keeping up with the “when and where” of children is so much easier with a phone. Even now, there’s been too many times when I’ve thought, “This would be so much easier if they just had a phone.”
Technology is amazing and honestly, while my new upgraded phone has made life so much more convenient, it also comes with a barrage of choices and time temptations. If adults struggle to balance their time with technology, imagine the balancing act it is for our youth.
With the onset of technology, many have lost the ability to communicate well.
Have you spent time with a large high school group lately?
As a generalization of course, it’s hard to carry on an in-depth conversation with teens because many aren’t fully present. They are plugged in and distracted. With unlimited texting and no parental controls on wifi , dangerous avenues on the internet have opened up a loss of innocence to our youth. They are grappling with on-line peer pressure like never before and don’t have the maturity to handle the consequences. As a parent, I am quite passionate about all these factors, but as I write, it’s not really the phone that is the issue, it’s attempting to help our children be responsible in their use of any kind of online internet based avenues, even beginning with an ipod that has texting capabilities
If you are determining the right cell phone or cell phone plan for your child, please, please be aware of what they are doing online.
Search out plans with parental control features and limit the hours they can text. They need to be accountable as they learn to balance this technology. I highly recommend prepaid phone packages. They offer great service with no contract. Make sure that you KNOW what they are viewing. Statistically, 75% of boys view porn online by the time they are 12. whether accidentally or not, be AWARE! DO not be naive.
A few suggestions that we implemented:
Consider having them “check in” their phone or ipod when they go to sleep.
Before they receive their first phone or internet based devise, determine and write up the rules of use. Have parent and child sign a “Covenant” of what has been agreed upon. That way, there can never be a doubt later on. Set boundaries, and follow through on the agreed upon consequences.
Help them learn to be responsible with their phone. Don’t allow it to become their master, and if you see if an addition to technology is developing, intervene.
Yes, I could go on and on.
Can you tell that I am a mother of teens who have experienced some of the downsides of technology?
Again, each family is different, just as each child will handle this new responsibility in varying manners. As a parent, consider all the options, and decide what is in the best interest of your child.
If you are making this decision, then your teen driving is probably close behind. I tackled Teen Driving, Their Safety and Paying for it all here.
I’d love to hear how you determine at what age to purchase a cell phone for your kids or some of the rules you’ve set in place.
If this interested you, don’t miss my incredibly easy parenting tips for raising kids. Who says parenting is hard? 😉
I’m probably in the minority, but I made my oldest wait until she was 16 (driving alone). My youngest I let get one at 13 because she made the track team at school and needed to be able to communicate pick-up times and schedule changes to me when she didn’t have access to a land line, and I didn’t want her to be at the mercy of borrowing a phone.
My husband works at the school our oldest (13) attends. He doesn’t have a cell phone – doesn’t need one. The other four attend a different campus (ages 10-5). They have a strict no electronics policy – kids cannot have the phone on their possession during school hours, so I don’t see the benefit. When they start “traveling around” with their friends a lot or doing more extra activities, I may purchase a single phone for them to share. I work 3 miles from the elementary campus as well. Bottom line – they won’t be getting phones any time soon! Just because their friends do doesn’t mean they will!
I would say when mine is involved w/sports & is needing p/u from practices/games then I would want him to have one. Also when he starts driving, which isn’t for quite sometime, thank God! I have heard of an APP called ‘find my friends’, which locates the cellphone & I think that would definately come in handy 4 the teenage years!
I got my 11 year old daughter (our only child at home still) a cell phone for her birthday last year. I never thought I would do it, but for us it came down to the fact that she was getting more involved in extracurricular activities (practice after school, trips, sleepovers, etc.) and also because she has some health issues. It was more for her well-being and my peace of mind – I wanted her to be able to call me at anytime if there was a problem or if she needed me to come pick her up earlier. Before then, there was no need for one because she was with us or family, except for when she was at school. We have definite rules as far as her using the phone (no calls or texts after 8:30pm, etc.) and she doesn’t use it that often. It was $10/month to add her to our plan – worth every penny as far as I’m concerned!
Definitely a different answer for every family…we homeschool, so my girls(12 & 9) don’t need to carry a phone during the day. For activities or such, they borrow my husband’s non-internet phone.
We didn’t get one for our daughter until she was 13. She is involved with softball (competitve and high school) year round. We waited until she could prove to us that she was responsible enough to have one. Since she does not receive an allowance, she has to do more than her usual share in the household to earn that right to have that phone. She just has a basic phone for calls and texting, no internet. We limit her hours to 6:30 am to 9pm by monitoring it through our carriers website.
We didn’t get one for our daughter until she was 13. She is involved with softball (competitve and high school) year round. We waited until she could prove to us that she was responsible enough to have one. Since she does not receive an allowance, she has to do more than her usual share in the household to earn that right to have that phone. She just has a basic phone for calls and texting, no internet. We limit her hours to 6:30 am to 9pm by monitoring it through our carriers website.
We just got our oldest one for his 14th birthday. He is very involved
on a swim team and it was getting to hard to communicate with him when changed occurred. He is not allowed to take it to his room at night. We do not have it
close during meals and family time.
Our rule is… You get a phone when you have activities that keep you after school. We limit amount and hours of usage!!
Our rule is… You get a phone when you have activities that keep you after school. We limit amount and hours of usage!!
Our rule is you must be able to help pay for it – whether that means you start out with a Tracfone or contribute $20/month to the family plan. It is not a necessity, it is a privilege that requires responsibility. Oddly enough, I just had this convo with 13 year old the other day. He said he didn’t really want a phone – I was shocked but ok with that. Our 9 year old, however, has been asking for a phone for 2 years already. *sigh*
Our rule is you must be able to help pay for it – whether that means you start out with a Tracfone or contribute $20/month to the family plan. It is not a necessity, it is a privilege that requires responsibility. Oddly enough, I just had this convo with 13 year old the other day. He said he didn’t really want a phone – I was shocked but ok with that. Our 9 year old, however, has been asking for a phone for 2 years already. *sigh*
My oldest, age 14, just got one this summer (a simple pay-as-you-go Tracfone) only because he was taking classes at an urban university 5 days a week and needed to have a way to contact us and his carpool families. My others will not have one until the need is there.
My oldest, age 14, just got one this summer (a simple pay-as-you-go Tracfone) only because he was taking classes at an urban university 5 days a week and needed to have a way to contact us and his carpool families. My others will not have one until the need is there.
Our kids got cell phones, actually Straight Talk or Track Phones when they could afford them. ;o)
Our kids got cell phones, actually Straight Talk or Track Phones when they could afford them. ;o)
we didn’t do it until the “need” arose. Chloe is the only one with one and she didn’t get it until she was 13 and it was definitely a need with the extra curricular things she’s involved in. Kade is 12 and is involved with chorus where they’re traveling and such and I think we may need to get him one soon. Of course, Chloe is singing the “not fair” song but that’s the way it rolls!
now, when do you get your child an ipad?!
Only when they can afford to pay the bill for themselves! 😉
For us it wasn’t a particular age but it was when our kids hit the point of being involved in activities that we were not present and we wanted them to be able to contact us if needed.
When my kids started driving on their own, though we don’t have a home phone. We can get 5 lines through one plan and,currently all lines are taken (we pay for mil), as soon as my oldest graduates from college next year he has to get his own contract and ill probably get another line for my youngest even though he is only going to be in 8th grade, since we won’t get a land line and hell be home alone more often with his older brothers at college and work.
When it became less expensive for them to each have cell phones vs. keeping a landline. So my oldest had to wait much longer than his younger siblings!
I bought my son one at age 16. One that he had to purchase the minutes.
We just got our son a cell phone when he started middle school. It was more because he is off on his own and I want to be able to get ahold of him. It is an iPhone (my old 3GS), but I have set up parental restrictions so that he cannot text pictures, he can’t access youtube, and he doesn’t have the password to the itunes account. In addition, he takes it to and from school (where it stays in his backpack) and it stays in my bedroom at night. He is only allowed to give the number to a small group of his friends (although I know I have no control over who THEY give the number to) and I have access to his email account and text messages.
It isn’t a perfect solution, but I figure it is a way to ease into the situation. And he is a really great kid, so at this point I trust him! ;D
I like the idea of waiting until they drive, but because of where we live and the fact that he walks EVERYWHERE (school, practice, scouts, church, friends) I want him to have one for the same reason I would want a driver to have one, to get ahold of me and vice versa! ;D
My son is 14 and he doesn’t have one yet. When he is driving alone, or some other need arises, then he will get one. He is homeschooled and he is always with someone who has a phone if he is not at home. So, I see no need for him to have one.
Since we do not have a home phone, we have added an extra phone to our family plan. This phone is used to keep at the house when the kids are home alone or if we are at home and they are going somewhere that I need to coordinate with them. This phone is not exlusively given to one child but my two older girls share it. When my children get their own license and will drive alone, then I plan to get them thier own phone. BUT not until then. We lived in South Korea for the last two years and there were many Korean children on the playground with their own phones…..and they were as young as 5 years old.
“One may think that is not “fair,” and yes, our children have heard the “life is not fair” speech more than they’d like to”
We also tell our children that fair doesn’t mean equal. Something can be fair without being equal. A lot of things in life are based on needs and choices.
My oldest two got a phones just before they each got their driver’s license. Since my younger children are never anywhere without an adult and we have a land line they don’t need their own phones.
Some of our rules are…
1. No phones or texting at the table
2. Wait 15 minutes before replying to a text that isn’t from Dad or Mom or isn’t a true emergency. We’ve found the faster our child replies just encourages the sender to just keep texting.
3. If it’s a conversation it needs to be a phone call not a text
4. If your phone goes off and you’re in coversation with others excuse yourself to take the call if it is important. Ignore it if it’s not. Mom and Dad would be on the important list.
5. You can pick any phone you want as long as it’s free.
6. Internet is blocked on all phones
Technology is definately an area that we need to really think about and help our children establish boundaries for themselves.
We are in the camp that they have no need for a phone at ages 10, 8, & 6…even if they 10 & 8 year old have friends with phones. Our standard answer is , “You can have a phone when you are 18 and can pay for it.”. Not a much loved answer, but one we currently feel strongly about.
Well, I started my answer ^ by saying I’m probably in the minority, but it’s interesting to see that so many of us are on the same page about this. That may be because most of us who read this blog are probably fairly frugal anyway, but it’s nice to read so many replies that are just using common sense and what works for your family as a guide rahter than a “must-have” mentality.
I think I actually am in the minority here. Alex (age 13) got his phone in 4th grade, but it was really a phone for both kids (my daughter is 9). My ex-husband and I do not have land lines, so the phone was to ensure the kids had a phone number even if we were not with them (babysitter situations). It was just my old phone when I upgraded.
Now, the kids and I both have smartphones, although ‘the kids’ phone is really Alex’s. Soph will be getting one this year too, now that she’s in 4th grade. Since that’s when Alex got his and sometimes Alex and Soph are in different locations which would make it easier if they both had their own. Soph will get Alex’s old smartphone and he’s getting an iPhone.
If we had landlines, we probably would’ve waited ’til 13 years old, but honestly, neither of them use the phone that much.
Kelly – Believe it or not, you are not in the minority. You are just one that has chosen to leave a comment on a blog where everyone else is saying they are waiting. 😉
As a mom of 5, we have had this same battle in our home. The oldest 2 got their phones when they were in middle school. They were involved in lots of activities and traveled with school clubs frequently so we felt it was a safety issue. I will say that they were both honor roll students and we were comfortable with our level of trust with them. They got basic plans with unlimited texting (we all text more than talk) but we had the pass-codes to their phones (we also have their email and facebook passwords, even my 18 yr old who still lives at home). They have been told that they may upgrade to “Smart phones” when they can take over the monthly payments.
Now that our #3 child is of that age, we have decided not to get him a cell phone. He is not involved in school clubs and he is not on honor roll. We feel, for him, it would be more of a distraction and temptation and since he has not proven that he can be as easily trusted as his older sisters were, we just believe he is not ready. He does not have a Facebook page and his only email account is a school-issued email which we monitor. We have told him that he will not get one until he has proven himself both scholastically and in his trustworthiness. (As a former home-schooler I know his abilities) He is not a “bad” child, he just simply is unmotivated to show his full potential so we are unmotivated to give him a phone which, in our house, is a privilege that needs to be earned.
We do have a rule in our house that all cell phones and Ipods get turned in at bedtime. We have a basket that sits on the kitchen counter for them to be put in each night. This allows us more control over them. I don’t check them daily but the kids never know when I do. It also allows them uninterrupted sleep and their friends know not to call or text after hours. Now I know that they can just delete things before they turn them in at night but honestly, if a child is is going to get in trouble, they are going to find a way regardless. Think back on the things you did as a child and that was without the help of technology. I just know, as a parent, I have taken the available steps to control as much as I can the information and technology in my home.
” He is not a “bad” child, he just simply is unmotivated to show his full potential so we are unmotivated to give him a phone which, in our house, is a privilege that needs to be earned. ”
Amen to that. This is right where we are at as well, and as much as we both know it would be “Easier” to just give them the phone so we don’t have the ”
battle,” I know we won’t regret this in the long run, and some day, they may even thank us. 🙂
Jen, thanks for your take on this. I agree with you wholeheartedly on your decision to hold out until “drive time.” My only concern is the texting/talking while driving thing. With teens being such inexperienced drivers as it is, do you fear that their new phones will cause a safety hazard? I know we can’t protect them from everything … which is why I’m getting more crow’s feet and gray hairs every day! As always, thanks for the information. Your blog is one of my very favs!
The texting and talking is a huge issue with teens. In fact, the statistics are staggering as to the amount of accidents that occur because of distracted driving. I can only “harp” on our eldest so so much about this issue, and then realize he has to own that responsibility. Ironically enough, but since you asked, we just purchased another car for the kids to drive. WE BOUGHT a STICK SHIFT on purpose!! Oh yes, we did. Not only will it cut down on gas, but we purposely knew that it would help eliminate that issue because they HAVE to have their hands on the stick. Yep, we’re tricky.
In all honesty, we bought our kids cell phones for OUR convenience when they started having activities after school that required calls home for rides, etc. They didn’t have texting available at all at first, but now they are allowed to text. We pay for them because we want them to have them. Work on our family farm (unpaid — part of their responsibility as a member of the family) and school are their “jobs”. Next year, the oldest will get a summer job at a local summer camp, and we will renegotiate then.
Now, I have girls who aren’t really “into” their phones, so limiting texting, etc, has not been an issue. I am also probably in the minority of parents here that doesn’t shelter my kids from much. Movies, internet, etc. are all done in a public area of the house, but that is the only rule. I think they bring home more “teachable moments” stories from their small town public high school than anything they’ve seen yet on the internet… They don’t really use their phones for more than logistics with me/their friends.
The only thing that really scares me is texting/talking and driving. Like you said, you talk yourself blue in the face about it and hope that they’re listening.
We are also judging our boys on their individual needs. My oldest got a cell phone in fifth grade due to the fact he was riding the bus across town to a specialized school and sometimes they would run late for one reason or another. Our youngest is in eighth grade and doesn’t have one yet but we are considering it due to having to get rides to practices etc. and we are unable to get in touch with him. Getting a phone is a huge decision and we based our decision on staying in touch with them, not on what everyone else has or thinks.
I really think middle school (age 11 around here) is a good age to give kids a starter phone depending on how mature and responsible they are. This is the age when they do lots of activities outside of home, including sleepovers and staying home alone. It’s peace of mind if they are in an uncomfortable situation and want to leave. It also teaches them responsibility.
My oldest is 13 and he got a basic phone with limited texts at 11. I got a lot of grief from family and friends about it. But you know what? When the friends’ parents were looking for their kids who were out bike riding with my kid, they were very relieved to know that someone (a.k.a., me) was able to track them down via cell phone.
We do look at our son’s texts and went over rules with him. If he goes over his limit, he pays us for those extra texts. Honestly, though if I had to do it again, I would do a prepaid phone as a starter phone. When my son first got his phone, he didn’t text much. It’s only in the last year that he has really started to use it.
Really, I think it depends on your child’s maturity and what your family’s comfort level is.
I heard this topic discussed on Family Talk with Dr. Dobson. You might want to research the book; ‘From Sant to Sexting’. Hope it is helpful.
Sorry, I misspelled the titile. Here it is again, ‘From Santa to Sexting’.
When we moved several years ago, we made the decision to not get a landline at the new house. It was cheaper for us to to pick up a third cell phone instead. It is just a phone with very limited texting. My daughter turns 10 next month. She considers the phone hers. But half the time it’s never charged. She never uses it unless she is home alone or out in the neighborhood with a friend or at a sleep-over. After it being around forever it is no big deal to her. I’m sure as she gets older that it will become more of an issue. As with many things in life, rules change and either grow or shrink as our children mature. I have no doubt that our rules about the phone will evolve.
I think the biggest problem is parents just don’t know at what age kids should get phones at. That really varies on the child some children are just more responsible than other kids at different ages. I gave my kids cell phones at different ages because one was just more responsible than the other. In the end the parent just has to do what he thinks is best for the kids
I was 14 when my mom let me have a cell phone because I was in track and other after school activities. My oldest is two but I have already began thinking about this issue since I see so many young kids with phones. I think we will just get a family cell phone once my oldest is like 8 and then she can take it with her when she goes to play at a friends house so I can check on her more easily and call her home. But it won’t have texting or internet. And their own phone will probably come in junior high, but no internet until high school. The internet is too scary to allow your child on it unsupervised!
It’s so wonderful that you are thinking ahead because you are right, the internet is SO scary and what they are exposed to at an early age is horrible.
My daughter is only 3, so this is not on the radar for us just yet. But I am seriously wondering why they need a cell phone for after school activities? We never did. There was a set time that practice/event was over, and that’s when it was over. Our parents were sitting in the parking lot. (or we waited for our parents to get to the parking lot) Have we let cell phones muddy the use of timelines and schedules and, oh, “I’m too busy… go home with Susie’s mom”… Both for kids and adults? Are schools really making changes at the last minute that parents don’t know about? I’m just curious. I’m new to parenting and would like to know what I’m in for.
That’s exactly what I tell our children. We never needed them and if you have a change of plans, use someone else’s phone. Since writing this, our almost 17 year old still doesn’t have one, but for us, it’s been a challenge because it’s not so much the after school activities as the out and about with friends. There’s a perception of more freedom with cell phones and change of plans because “I can just let mom know where I am,” but no, with set boundaries, they don’t “need” them at all.
I don’t have children, so I can’t really speak to that. I got my first cell phone in the 7th grade, which was about 10 years ago. My mom decided to let me have one because I had to start walking home from school (over a mile on busy streets). She wanted me to have a camera phone so I could take pictures of things that were suspicious like someone following me. My sister didn’t get one until much later because she was able to take a bus home.
This is actually a problem with a simple solution: when your kids are at an age where you feel communication via phone is a necessity, get them a phone. You don’t have to get them a SMARTPHONE or even one with any bells and whistles. Any older phone will do. No data plan. Should be easy enough, folks. We’re making excuses for ourselves for anything more than that, in my opinion.
I guess the title should have been cell phone or ipod (anything with wifi capabilities) because you are right, that’s why we do a prepaid phone. It’s definitely the wifi issue that this addresses.
My daughter got hers at 12 to help manage the depression and to encourage her to talk. My eldest got her’s when she was 16 as we thought this was a good age. And our boys will probably be 16 also. But one condition with the phones the kids know they’re on loan. Any slips in grades they loose them for a month. Same with fb. Anything inappropriate and they also loose them. Also the kids hand them over at certain times of the evening knowing there charged and we knowing they can’t spend all night on them. The other we remove them during church, youth, family discussion. So far this has worked which is brilliant.
It sounds like you have an amazing plan. I so agree with you about staying ahead of it and let them know it’s on “loan.” As soon as they start saying,” well, this is mine,” I always know I have a problem. 🙂
Our twin boys are 10 and we homeschool. I they were given our old phone with no data plan. I only got it for them because we have no home phone and for time to time we leave them home alone together. They also walk the dog and go exploring at the pond always together. The take their phone then just in case something happens. They are not allowed to give their number to anyone their number and can only text mom and dad. Being homeschoolers we have more control over their phone use. It stays plugged in like a land line most of the time till they go for a walk or something like that.
Great post!
I agree, it is just so relative. I never, in a million years, saw myself buying a cell phone for my son when he was only ten years old. However, we had a school shooting in our community. It was horrible. A child made another child kneel down and shot him in the back of the head point blank. This was a school my son was slated to go to the following year.
The weekend after that happened, I got him a cell phone and went to school with him Monday. Phones weren’t allowed in school but my son was to keep his turned off and in his backpack.
I told the principal that if something happened and I couldn’t get in touch with my son to see if he was alright, we had us a whole other set of problems.
The principal understood completely and did not hesitate to give my son permission to have it on campus.
He has been very responsible with it, he’s now a freshman in high school. He knows that everything on his phone is subject to spot checks and we’ve never had an issue.
But if someone told me outright, before that, they had purchased a phone for a ten year old I might have been taken aback. There are so many reasons to get one or to refrain and in the end, it is a personal decision of the parent.
I love how objective and understanding you were in this, as always! Thank you!
Gratefully,
CJ